Lady Gaga: What I fear the most? Being by myself.

 No one enjoys being alone, and few careers are as isolating as that of a pop star.

Just look at Lady Gaga. Her ascent to stardom in 2009-10 was unprecedented. As one of the first pop icons to leverage the internet's reach, she found herself constantly in the spotlight, with a relentless stream of TMZ photos and gossip circulating about her. The media's hunger for her was insatiable. In just three years, she cycled through so many styles and sounds that a critic remarked she was "speed-running Madonna's entire career." As her popularity soared, the stories became increasingly bizarre. She was said to have performed a satanic ritual in a London hotel... rumors circulated that she was a hermaphrodite... and there were claims she intended to saw off her own leg "for fashion." When she showed up at the 2010 MTV Awards in a dress made entirely of meat, many missed the punchline: Gaga was presenting herself as tabloid fodder, ready to be devoured by the media. On stage, she was revered by her fans, the Little Monsters. Yet, anyone who isn't a narcissist understands that such adoration can feel like a hollow fantasy. "I'm alone, Brandon. Every night," Gaga confided to her stylist in the 2017 documentary, Five Foot Two. "I go from everyone touching me all day and talking at me all day to total silence." Now at 38 and happily engaged to tech entrepreneur Michael Polansky, Gaga reflects on how those years of loneliness frightened her. "I think my biggest fear was doing this alone - doing life on my own," she shared with the BBC. "And I think the greatest gift has been meeting my partner, Michael, and navigating the chaos together."

The couple has been together since 2020 and announced their engagement at the Venice Film Festival last September, where Gaga showcased her stunning million-dollar engagement ring for the first time in public. In person, the ring is breathtaking, featuring a large, oval-cut diamond set on an 18-karat white and rose gold band adorned with diamonds. On her other hand, Gaga wears a smaller, more subtle ring that holds a few blades of grass encased in resin. This ring, it turns out, holds a special significance. "Michael actually proposed to me with these blades of grass," she shares. "One day, we were in the backyard, and he asked me, 'If I ever proposed to you, how should I do it?' "I simply said, 'Just take a blade of grass from the backyard and wrap it around my finger; that would make me so happy.'" It was a beautifully romantic moment, though it carried a hint of sadness. Gaga's backyard in Malibu had once been the site of her close friend Sonja Durham's wedding, just before she passed away from cancer in 2017. "There was so much loss, yet this joyful moment was unfolding for me," she reflects on Polansky's proposal. "Getting engaged at 38... I found myself thinking about everything that led me to this point."

Those emotions ultimately inspired a track on her latest album, Mayhem. Titled Blade of Grass, it features the artist singing about a "lovers' kiss in a garden filled with thorns," capturing the essence of love amidst challenging times. She describes it as a "thank you" to her partner, and fans might also have a reason to express their gratitude to him. Mayhem signifies Gaga's bold return to pop music after a phase focused on her film career and jazz-infused albums that explored the classic American songbook. In an interview with Vogue last year, the singer shared that it was her fiancé who encouraged her to embrace pop again. "He said, 'Babe. I love you. You need to make pop music,'" she recalled. "During the Chromatica tour, I noticed a spark in her," Polansky mentioned. "I wanted to help her maintain that energy and create music that brought her joy." 'Most intense song' With this mindset, the album returns to the punchy sound reminiscent of Gaga's early hits like Poker Face, Just Dance, and Born This Way. In her latest single, Abracadabra, she even revisits the playful "roma-ma-ma" from Bad Romance, but this time with a nod to mortality, singing, "morta-ooh-Gaga." The album's cover features her reflection in a shattered mirror, and in the music videos, she confronts earlier versions of herself. There’s a strong feeling that the artist Stefani Germanotta is coming to terms with the persona she has crafted. This culminates in a song titled Perfect Celebrity, where she sings, "I became a notorious being" – a line that, much like her infamous meat dress, strips away her humanity. "That's probably the angriest song about fame I've ever penned," she admits. "I had created this public image that I was genuinely becoming in every aspect - and balancing that duality, understanding where I end and Lady Gaga begins, was quite a challenge. "It really took a toll on me."

How did she bring together the public and private aspects of her life? "I've come to understand that it's healthier to blend those two sides rather than keep them separate, creating a complete person," she shares. "The best thing for me was embracing my identity as a female artist and recognizing that choosing an artistic life was my decision. "I have a passion for songwriting. I love creating music, rehearsing, choreography, stage production, costumes, lighting, and putting on a show. "That encapsulates what it means to be Lady Gaga. It's all about the artist behind the persona." In earlier discussions, the musician mentioned how she had distanced herself from Lady Gaga. For a while, she felt that the character was solely responsible for her achievements, leaving her feeling like she had contributed nothing. Mayhem signifies the moment she takes back control of her music, not just from "Lady Gaga" but also from various producers and writers around her. "When I was younger, some people tried to claim credit for my sound or my image, but all my influences and visions of what pop music could be originated from me. "I wanted to revisit my early inspirations and my career, claiming it as my own creation, once and for all."

From the very beginning, it was clear that Gaga was thrilled about this new chapter in her life. Last summer, after her performance at the Olympics opening ceremony, she ventured into the streets of Paris, sharing early demos of her upcoming music with fans who had gathered outside her hotel. This spontaneous decision was a delightful nod to the unpredictability of her early career. "I've been doing this for nearly 20 years, playing my music for fans long before it's released," she shares. "In the past, after my shows, I would invite fans backstage to hang out, play them demos, and get their feedback on my music. "After two decades, you might not expect people to still show up, eager to hear your music and excited to see you. So, I just wanted to share it with them because I was genuinely happy they were there." As an interviewer, this feels like a full-circle moment for me as well. The last time I spoke with Lady Gaga was in 2009, when "Just Dance" topped the charts in the UK. At that time, she was bubbling with excitement, passionately discussing her admiration for John Lennon, jokingly calling herself a "heroin addict" for English tea, and promising to send me an MP3 of "Blueberry Kisses" – a brilliantly cheeky song about a certain intimate act while having blueberry-flavored coffee breath. Over the years, I noticed her interviews becoming more reserved. She would don extravagant outfits or dark sunglasses, intentionally creating a distance between herself and the journalist. However, the Gaga I meet in New York is the same vibrant person I spoke to 16 years ago: confident and full of energy. She attributes this comfort to "growing up and living a full life." "Being there for my friends, supporting my family, and meeting my wonderful fiancé – all these experiences have made me a complete person, rather than just focusing on my stage persona." With a sense of closure, she concludes: "I wanted Mayhem to have an ending. I wanted the chaos to cease."